Shrouded In Light
by eastofthesol
Summary: Spoilers for R&R. This is an alternate ending to Ruin & Rising where Mal is killed but not by Alina's hand, thus changing the entire sequence of events. Alina never loses her power, the Darkling doesn't die, and Nikolai needs help ruling over Ravka with the darkness inside him.
1. Chapter 1

This story picks up during Chapter 17 of Ruin & Rising where everyone is fighting in the Fold and Alina is deciding what decision to make.

* * *

I jumped off the side of the skiff, landing on my wounded arm, pain shooting through my body. I bit back a scream, trying not to draw the _nichevo'ya_ back to me. Pulling myself off the ground, I frantically scanned the area around me, looking for Mal. Sun soldiers and Grisha fought around the illuminated skiffs but Mal was nowhere in sight.

Reluctantly, I ran from the fight, into the darkness, concealing myself in the blackness. It was too risky to use my light. I had to think. I needed to do something before everyone I knew was torn to pieces at the Darkling's hand. I knew the answer but I couldn't allow myself to consider what had to be done. I ran farther from the battle. Distant screams became muffled as the darkness engulfed me.

_I will strip away all that you know, all that you love, until you have no shelter but me._ The Darkling's words echoed through me, causing my pace to falter.

"No," I whispered to myself, as if saying the words aloud would give me the strength I needed.

Before I had time to think, the putrid smell of volcra caused my stomach to lurch. I held my breath and stood motionless as the sound of flapping wings surrounded me. But it was too late. Jagged teeth bit into my wounded arm and I let out a scream. Another bit my shoulder where the _nichevo'ya_ scar once ached. Claws dug into my back, causing me to fall forward into the sand.

I called the light, seeking comfort from its warmth, its purity. But I pulled it back within me before I could release it. I realized that a part of me wanted this. If I let the volcra take me, I wouldn't have to _be_ anymore. I wouldn't have to lead armies of zealots, I wouldn't have to pretend to be a saint, and I wouldn't have to run from the darkness. _I wouldn't lose Mal._

"Alina!" someone screamed. _Mal_. Gentle calloused hands pulled me from the ground and embraced me. I was too far removed from my body to register the pain it caused. I leaned forward, resting my body against his. I dug my face into his chest, trying to melt into him, to leave this place behind. But the screeching of the volcra pierced my ears. The _lumiya_ that Mal had wasn't enough to keep them at bay.

He shook me, talking frantically about the light.

"It's okay, Mal. We'll be okay," I whispered. I wanted to believe what I was saying.

He tightly gripped my bare wrist, causing an electric current to surge through me. The light called from deep within me, clawing its way from inside. But I pushed it back once more. I pushed it back the way I did when we were children, when Mal and I needed each other more than anything else in the world.

"Alina, _please_," He pleaded into my matted hair.

I ignored his plea and pulled my wrist from his grip. I wrapped my arms around his bloodied torso and held him tightly. "We'll be okay, Mal. I promise," I whispered again. I could feel his warm tears falling onto my head.

"Alina, I—" Mal was yanked from my grip, his body pulled into the thick blackness above. His screams pierced the air as a volcra flew above the circling flock, into the darkness above with Mal in tow. Without giving it a second thought, light shot from within me and created a blinding pillar of white where Mal disappeared. It illuminated the fleeing volcra that carried him. The volcra tried to flee from the light but it expanded, spreading across the Fold, pushing the darkness away.

The volcra struggled against the light, flying higher into the air. It dove for the darkness of the Fold, releasing Mal as it flew. Time seemed to slow as I watched him fall from the sky. He looked as if he was descending from the clouds beyond the Fold, like a divine gift from the Saints. He fell to the ground and I rushed forward, clambering through the sand. The light faded around me, illuminating only Mal and myself.

I stared in abject horror as Mal laid in a mangled heap on the ground. His legs were twisted in a way that I had never seen before. Bones jutted from his leg. Blood pooled from the back of his head, spreading slowly across the sand. His blue eyes that were once alive with the force of the sea, stared beyond me—vacant. Lifeless. I fell to the ground, clutching Mal's bloodied face.

"Mal," I choked. "Mal, no… no… don't leave me!"

The light sank back within me, cloaking us in darkness. The screeching of the volcra drew nearer then faded away. It was replaced by the distant wail of screams. The screams faded into sobs. Then nothing.

Silence replaced all pain, all fear. Maybe I could find Mal in a distant light, far beyond here, where we would have nothing but each other. We could be together in a place where the darkness could _never_ touch us again.

_Take me._

* * *

**Author's Note:** I recently finished Ruin & Rising and I was incredibly unhappy with the way things turned out. This is my attempt to console myself and anyone else who wanted a different ending. This story will follow Alina through the many trials she has to face as the Sun Summoner in war-torn Ravka. Expect lots of Alarkling/Darklina and a mostly platonic love between Alina and Nikolai.

This is my first time writing fan fiction so I would really appreciate any sort of encouragement. Reviews would be lovely as well. Thank you and happy reading!


	2. Chapter 2

There was blinding, all-encompassing heat. A burning sensation that felt like I was being engulfed in flames. It was inside me but it was also around me. I was the flame, spreading like wildfire. There was no darkness. Only light. Light that danced around me, jolting from my body.

_I am the sun._

* * *

At first, I tried to measure time by counting how many times I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat and tears. Then I lost track. The screams began to bleed into my dreams where all I heard was the sound of his voice, screaming from above. He fell from the sky into a dead sea that sat still, unmoving. It engulfed him without a sound. Tar spread from where he fell, turning the water into thick black sludge as I swam toward him.

I couldn't reach him. Black tar crippled my movements, pulling me beneath the surface the more I struggled. It drug me under as I called his name. The blackness filled my lungs as I tried to breathe. It spread within me like a poison, blanketing me in darkness. Then nothing.

I awoke to the flickering of a candle. I was startled by its vibrance. Life seemed to emanate from the tiny flame. Its purity stirred something deep within me. I could feel it recoiling as I held my hand over the dancing light. I slowly sat up, feeling my muscles tense and bones crack. A dull ache spread through my body as I grabbed the candle and cradled it in my hands.

The sound of rhythmic breathing drew my attention from the flame to the corner of the small room. I could barely make out the outline of someone slumped over in a chair. A small sliver of moonlight filtered in through drawn curtains, illuminating well-polished boots on the floor. _Nikolai?_

I drew in a sharp breath as memories came rushing back. Nikolai was a winged beast the last time I saw him. _What had happened on the Fold?_ I crawled out from beneath the woolen blanket and stepped lightly onto the creaky wooden floor. _Where was I? _

With the candle in hand, I cautiously approached Nikolai. I moved the candle along his sleeping body, examining him. He had returned to normal. Everything was as it should be, aside from his wrinkled clothes. I crouched beside him and reached for his hand that dangled over the side of the armchair. He didn't stir as I held his arm to the candlelight. Guilt washed over me as I saw black veins spread along his exposed skin.

Something within me stirred again as I traced the lines along his arm. This time it didn't recoil; it came forward, drawn to the darkness that remained inside Nikolai. _Merzost._ I dropped his arm and reeled backward, startled from the uneasy feeling I had.

"Grotesque, isn't it?" I jumped at the sound of his voice. Nikolai adjusted himself in the chair, stretching his limbs. His face looked ghostly in the candlelight. His cheekbones were more prominent than before with faint cuts apparent on his face.

"Nikolai…" I began but words escaped me. The room began to spin as I stepped backward towards the bed.

"Don't worry, Alina. I won't hurt you again," he said as he stood from the chair. I stumbled backwards onto the bed, still clutching the candle. He closed the gap between us, floorboards creaking, and held my arm to steady me.

Nikolai's touch stirred both darkness and light from within me. They struggled against one another, fighting for power. I closed my eyes and focused on the warmth of the candle—its light and its life. The blackness shrank away as the light spread through me, subduing the darkness for the time being.

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked.

"Not long, only a week. Though I wouldn't exactly call it sleeping," his voice softened. "You kept alarming everyone at the Little Palace so we had to move you here. I know this isn't the nicest of places but it kept your screams in."

I blinked through dots that clouded my vision and looked around me. I couldn't see much aside from the chair in the corner. I pushed light from my hand and saw a large black stove sitting in the center of the room. _Baghra's hut._ Another wave of guilt washed over me. The image of Baghra throwing herself over the ledge at the Spinning Wheel flashed across my mind.

"This isn't right," I protested. "I can't be in here." I pushed myself from the bed and stumbled toward the door. Nikolai was by my side before I could reach the doorknob. I tried to push him away but my body was too weak. He guided me back to the bed and sat down beside me.

"Alina, we need to talk about what happened on the Fold," Nikolai whispered.

"I don't know what happened." I couldn't admit to him what I wanted to do, what I _tried_ to do. The pain was too much. I pulled my legs into my chest and focused my eyes on the floor.

"Can you tell me what you remember at least?"

I hesitated, moving my eyes to the melting candle. "I don't remember anything, Nikolai. Can _you_ tell me what happened instead? Starting with how you're no longer…" The sentence trailed off. I couldn't call him a monster because that's not what he had been. I couldn't let myself believe it.

He laughed lightly but there was no trace of humor behind it. "You helped me, Alina. I was searching for you, flying through the darkness in the direction of your screams and I found you. Before I could register what had happened, you became light itself. It was like nothing I had ever seen." Nikolai paused, expecting me to say something. I remained silent.

"The light consumed everything, including me, and more than half of the Fold. It was quick, like several bolts of bright lightening setting the world on fire. And then it was gone as quickly as it came. Tamar and Tolya found you surrounded by the bones of hundreds of volcra. Whatever you did, you destroyed them." He paused again.

"And the Darkling?" I asked.

Nikolai sighed and shook his head. "Gone. Vanished. I speculate that he retreated into what's left of the Fold with his shadow army and Grisha soldiers. You put on an impressive show, which I'm sure scared him into hiding. For now."

"Are you scared he'll come back?" I asked without thinking. I turned my eyes to him, expecting to see fear etched in his face but I didn't find it. Whatever emotion Nikolai was experiencing, I couldn't read it. He hid his true feelings well.

"Of course I fear he will return, but Ravka has its beloved Sankta Alina, _Destroyer of the Fold_, well most of the Fold. You will protect us all from the darkness," he said with a smirk.

I forced a small smile and nodded, turning my gaze back towards the candle. Minutes passed as we sat in silence. I tried to push away all my thoughts, focusing on the dancing flame while Nikolai sat perfectly still, probably strategizing something important.

"Do you think you'll feel well enough to meet with me tomorrow?" he asked, shattering the silence.

I met Nikolai's gaze. His expression was soft, forgiving.

I nodded and said, "Yes. I don't have it in me to sit in this hut all day. I'll do whatever you want if it takes my mind off things." _Things_. We both knew what I was referring to but I couldn't bring myself to say his name. I couldn't bear it.

Nikolai grasped my hand and squeezed it gently. But his touch was different than before. Back at the Spinning Wheel, his grip was soft and warm, gentle and certain. Raised scars replaced his once soft hands. There was no certainty in his touch. No, it was something else, something different that felt oddly familiar to me.

I pulled my hand away from his and whispered, "It's only been a week."

"I know," he said as he stood from the bed. He put on his boots and walked to the door, causing the floor to creak loudly. "But I won't let you close yourself off from the world, Alina." He opened the door and stepped out into the moonlit night.

* * *

**Author's Note**: I was eager to go ahead and publish this chapter so you guys can have a feel for where the story is going. Please review and let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

The morning came quickly after Nikolai left. As soon as the sun's rays filtered through the curtains, I left Baghra's hut. I felt uneasy while being there. She was another person I let down. Another person that _died_ for my wellbeing.

I walked along the path that led to the lake, expecting to see damages that had been done from the _nichevo'ya _attacks on Nikolai's birthday. But there wasn't much to scrutinize. The docks were intact. The Little Palace had been rebuilt, though it was obviously by Fabrikator hands. From what I could see of the Grand Palace, its structure remained sound. The only obvious destruction that remained was of the trees.

Scorched treetops littered the tiny forest that stood around the lake. Fallen trees sat in a huge pile off in the shadows. _They couldn't heal the trees. _Aside from the forest, someone had managed to clean up the mess that had been made.

I strolled toward the West Stables, where the training rooms remained. A few of the high beams were cracked or chipped, but everything was roughly the same. _But no Botkin._ I expected to feel sadness at the thought of him, but I only felt anger. The image of him and Ana Kuya strung up by their necks, dangling from the oak tree at Keramzin, made my body shake. Heat rose up my spine and spread along my body. I let out a stifled howl of frustration and swung my balled fist against the nearest beam.

I hit the beam again. And again. I hit it until my hand was numb, dripping with blood. I leaned against the bloodied pillar and slid to the ground. Warm tears spilled over my eyes as I thought of everyone I had let down. All the people that died for nothing. I didn't destroy the Darkling. I didn't even destroy the Fold. I had failed.

_If I still felt as you do, if I ached as you do, I could not have borne this eternity. _The Darkling's words seeped into my thoughts as I sat there, bloodied and crying. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so loudly that his words couldn't penetrate my thoughts. I needed to purge myself from him entirely. But a part of me knew that he was right. I couldn't survive immortality as a sniveling little girl who cried over every loss. And I knew that out on the Fold.

I wasn't strong enough for this life as a false saint, as the _Sun Summoner_. That's why I wanted the volcra to take me, to rip me apart and let me seek comfort in a distant light, far from Ravka, far from this world. But they took _him_ instead.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of footsteps. I turned my head and saw Tamar and Genya approaching from around the corner. Their faces looked alarmed as they rushed forward and crouched beside me.

"Oh, Alina…" Genya said as she reached for my face. She cradled my wet cheek in her long slender hands.

Tamar extended her hand to me and I grabbed it with my good hand, pulling myself off the ground. I swayed a little and leaned against the pillar, closing my eyes as the world spun around me.

"I'm fine," I said before they could say anything. "Just a little weak."

"I think that pillar would say otherwise," Genya joked as she wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Nikolai told us to tend to you before breakfast. He said you're going to meet with him today," Tamar said. There was a subtle questioning tone in her voice, as if she didn't believe I was ready.

I nodded then looked between them. They exchanged a shared look of concern.

"I'm only meeting with Nikolai, not fighting _nichevo'ya_," I said.

"We know, Alina. We just don't want you rushing into things," Genya said as she reached for my bloodied hand and kneaded it like a cat does to its bed. The numbness disappeared, replaced with pain, then nothing at all.

Tamar ran her hand along the splintered pillar and said, "We need to have this all cleaned before the Grisha arrive tomorrow."

"The Grisha are coming back here so soon? Is the Little Palace even ready?" I asked.

"Nikolai's been very proactive as the new ruler of Ravka. He's even made Genya here one of the three leaders of the Second Army," Tamar said with a smirk.

"What? Genya, that's wonderful!" I exclaimed. I ignored the dull ache in my body as I threw my arms around her neck, hugging her tightly. I pulled back and Genya flashed her signature smile. Scars, eyepatch and all, and she still maintained her radiance.

"I still don't believe I'm fit to lead as Corporalki but I'm just glad I was pardoned," she said with a grin. I nodded and turned to Tamar.

"Nadia's staying and Tolya is staying, which means I'm staying."

"Is Tolya okay?" I asked. I realized there were so many things I still didn't know about. A week had gone by since the battle at the Fold and everything was changing, shifting into something new.

Tamar rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, just worried about his precious _Sun Summoner_."

"Weren't we all…" Genya said absentmindedly as she tugged at my knotted hair. "I need to get you cleaned up, Alina."

My cheeks reddened as she looked over my appearance. Baghra didn't have a mirror in her hut so I had no idea what shape I was in.

I nodded and said, "Let's get going then."

Genya linked her arm with my own and gave me a little squeeze. Tamar led us out of the open training rooms, in the direction of the Little Palace.

* * *

I went through the motions of the day. Genya cleaned me up as best she could but I didn't look pristine. I met with Tolya, who nearly cried when he saw me. Then David, Zoya, Nadia, the list of people went on and on. The reactions were mostly the same. Grateful I was alive, but concerned. I met with a few familiar Grisha faces who wanted to discuss what happened on the Fold but Genya swatted them away. A few soldiers I came across were jumpy, fearful even. Of what, I wasn't sure. But I assumed the threat of the Darkling loomed above everyone's head. Even mine.

That afternoon, I met with Nikolai in the war room. All the maps of the Fold had been taken off the wall. They sat in a neat pile in the center of the table. My eyes were drawn to a _kefta_ draped over the chair nearest Nikolai. It was _Summoner_ blue.

Nikolai was seated in the chair at the head of the table, looking over a large book. He motioned for me to come forward without looking away from the pages. I walked towards the chair with the _kefta_ and admired the details. Its golden embroidery was impressive. A Lantsov eagle was pinned to the chest, next to the pin of the Sun Summoner.

"It's yours," he said, eyes still glued to the book.

I glided my hand over the smooth material and didn't hesitate to put it on. I was happy to be back in my _kefta_, in _my_ colors. Once it was on, Nikolai closed the book and turned his attention to me.

"Interesting read?" I asked. I couldn't see the title but I knew the book was ancient and probably equally as boring.

"Not at all. I just wanted to read the words, to process the language in my head," he said quietly. His voice was solemn, contemplative. "I couldn't read as…I couldn't understand writing. I knew that the words had meaning but they didn't make sense to me, very little made sense to me then. Only hunger… and you."

I was able to clearly see Nikolai now in the well lit room. The candlelight from the previous night didn't do his scars justice. Mars and cuts poked out from beneath his neatly pressed clothes. Black lines ran along his fingers where there was once claws. But nothing compared to his hazel eyes. They retained their color but their vibrance was gone. Something darker sat beneath them. Darkness that invaded his body and his mind. The same darkness that tugged and writhed within me.

"I still feel it inside of me, Alina," he said as if he read my mind. "How can I rule Ravka as a monstrosity? _Korol Rezni_ is what they're calling me. The King of Scars. I preferred the 'Bastard King'." He stood from the chair and walked toward the map that sat behind him. He ran his fingers along the mostly flat land of Ravka. It was an old map, so old that the Unsea was not on it.

"It gets better," I said as I slowly approached him. "Though it will never completely go away." I stood by his side, staring up at the map.

"What will you do?" he asked. His hands slid to Keramzin. Then to the True Sea.

"I'm not going to leave, if that's what you're implying."

He stood quietly, hand still hovering over the True Sea. Then he smiled.

"We could fake our own deaths and flee to the open ocean. Become privateers. Sail the rest of our days away." Nikolai's smile faltered. "Though your days are not numbered like mine."

I tapped on the raised words of Os Alta with my finger and said, "No more running, no more hiding, no more living in fear. We will stay here and rebuild Ravka. _Together_."

"You're much stronger than I am, Alina. Fit for a queen. Fit for a ruler."

I knew what Nikolai wanted to ask. He needed someone to rule by his side. _As a queen._ That was the arrangement we made before the Darkling attacked us at the Spinning Wheel. But things had changed.

I let out a drawn out sigh and said, "I am the Sun Summoner before I am anything else, Nikolai. I will stay by your side for as long as you need me, for as long as Ravka needs me. But—"

"But not as a queen," he finished. "I understand. It's too much to ask of you right now. I will not push it any further. Just know the option will always be available."

"Even when you're married and greying with four kids?" I asked with a smirk.

A smile spread across his somber face. He nodded. "Yes, even then."

I laughed lightly and nudged him with my shoulder.

"Well, Sun Summoner," he began as he turned away from me. "You can help with the incoming Grisha tomorrow morning. Help them acclimate to the new way things will be done around here."

"_I _need help getting acclimated first," I said as I followed him towards the large double doors.

"All with time," he said as he reached for the door handle. "We can discuss the details with everyone at dinner and—"

"Nikolai, wait," I interrupted. He paused and turned to me. "No one has asked me about… _him_. Is that your doing?" The thought had been plaguing me all day. Not even Genya dared to mention his name, which surprised me.

He sighed and nodded, "You don't want to talk about it. I made sure that everyone respects that. You'll talk about him when you're ready. Until then, mouths shut."

"Thank you," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"You don't have to thank me. It's what _friends_ are for. Now let's go, I'm sure dinner is almost ready. I've had such a ravenous appetite as _Korol Rezni_." He laughed a humorless laugh and opened the war room doors. I followed him out, blinking away tears that had formed in my eyes.

* * *

**Author's Note:** First of all, thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed and followed/favorited the story! I really appreciate it. I know I promised Darkling/Alina interaction and it will come. _Very_ soon! I just wanted to lay the ground work for the story before he makes his appearance. Thanks again and happy reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Nikolai made an announcement before dinner, stating that as Ravka's king, he will eat with his people for dinner every evening, which was something his father never did. He commanded the room with his presence. Despite the insecurities that crawled beneath his skin, he maintained a sense of elegance and surety when he spoke as the king. Everyone was enamored by him, by his devotion to Ravka. They had every reason to be.

Genya informed me of my duties while we ate, saying that I needed to help the Second Army as the Sun Summoner. There was equal representation among the Grisha now. Things would be done differently than before, more camaraderie among the orders. Unification. I agreed that those things were all very important. Zoya then asked me if I wanted to help her train Grisha in the training rooms, until they found someone suitable to take Botkin's place. I told her I would consider it.

Eventually, Tolya got a few words in, explaining how Nikolai pardoned the Apparat and that he was returning to court. I was too tired to argue over his decision. He then said that several Soldat Sol would be returning with the Apparat as well and staying at the Little Palace, for my protection. I waved off the conversation, waiting for the Apparat's arrival before I tried to protest. I didn't want to think about the priest or my followers. It was all too much for my cloudy head.

The rest of dinner went by in a blur. I mostly felt dejected from the people that surrounded me, some laughing, others talking fervently about the future of Ravka. I picked at my food, feeling nauseous from the smells and lightheaded from exhaustion.

As dinner drug on, Nikolai excused himself, asking me to follow him. I said my goodnights to everyone and followed in silence. We stepped out into the night and walked along the lamplit path that led to the lake.

"I'm having your room in the Little Palace remodeled. It should be completed within the next week," Nikolai said.

I raised my eyebrows at him in a questioning manner.

"Unless you would prefer to stay in the hut?"

I shook my head. "No, no. It's just that you didn't _have_ to do that."

"Oh, but I did," he said, smirking slightly. "The room was far too drab. Half of the ceiling had fallen out anyway, so minor adjustments were necessary."

I nodded then silence fell between us. I noticed how Nikolai let this happen more often than before. He usually would be talking about something, suggesting another move, planning another strategy, saying something clever. Now, I wasn't so sure what was going on in his head.

We reached the path that led to Baghra's hut and he stopped.

"You don't have to stay in there for the time being, if you don't feel comfortable," he said.

"Baghra wouldn't have liked me staying here. But she's dead," I said flatly. "Plus, I'm not so sure I'll be fully comfortable anywhere." I turned my head towards the hut, seeing smoke rising from the chimney.

"I had Misha light the stove for you."

My heart sank. _Misha_. I hadn't seen him since before the battle on the Fold.

"I didn't think he was even here. How is he?"

"Surprisingly well. Better than myself, honestly. He's been keeping busy, flitting about the place. Doing little errands…" his voice trailed off.

I rubbed the sides of my head, feeling a headache coming on.

"Alina? Are you—"

"It's nothing, I'm fine." I smiled weakly and waved my hand at him. "There's just so much I still have to do, so many people to see. It makes my head hurt."

"Welcome to life at court," he said with a sigh. His brows furrowed in concern but he didn't press further. "Well, I'll let you rest. Don't hesitate to see me if you need anything, anything at all."

I nodded. "Goodnight, Nikolai."

He bowed slightly. "Goodnight, Alina."

I watched him as he walked away and disappeared around the bend, in the direction of the Grand Palace. As soon as he was out of sight, a chill crawled up my spine, causing my body to shake. I looked around me out of habit, out of fear, expecting to see someone emerging from the shadows. But there was no one.

I drew my _kefta_ tightly around me and made my way to the hut. The heat welcomed me as I opened the door. The warmth of the stove was just right, probably only burning on a few logs. I shut the door and latched the single lock shut.

Several burning candles sat at the bedside, illuminating the room in a heavy orange glow. I looked around me, observing what was left of Baghra's things but there wasn't much that I could tell. The once-filled shelves were empty, the walls barren. The stove was the only thing that remained of her.

I changed into fresh clothes that had been placed on my bed and crawled beneath the woolen blanket. I leaned over the candles, extinguishing all but one. Its flame cast an ominous shadow over the hut but the light comforted me. I sighed and rolled over, facing the wall.

I tried to focus on the events of the day, all the changes that had taken place in my absence, but my mind kept drawing back to _him_. I was too weak to push the thoughts away. As soon as my eyes closed, I saw his—two still pools of blue. All I could see were his vacant eyes staring beyond me.

My throat began to tighten as I realized he died for _nothing_. I was too weak to kill him myself, to wield the power of Morozova's last amplifier. He died with no greater purpose, mutilated by the very thing I protected him from so many months ago on the Shadow Fold.

Tears began to pool over my eyes, dripping onto the pillow. I let them flow freely. Memories of us playing together at Keramzin flashed across my mind. The love that I felt for him then was raw, pure. It was the only thing I was certain of in this world. But I had lost that certainty along the way. Pieces of me had been chipping away over time. Did he see that uncertainty growing and spreading within me? Had he known what I wanted to do on the Fold?

Choked sobs rose from my throat as I let the thought reverberate through my head. I tugged at the collar around my neck. It felt as if it was constricting my throat as I struggled for air. But it was no use.

"Mal," I choked through my sobs. "_Mal_."

I couldn't shy away from his name any longer. I feared I would lose him entirely if I did. His name was all that was left of him. Of us.

_Malyen Oretsev. _

_Dead._

* * *

My dreams were the same. The same desperate attempt to reach Mal. The same futile struggle for air while tar filled my lungs. The same sickening agony that shook me from my sleep.

I jolted awake, my heart thumping loudly in my ears as I gasped for breath. I rolled over onto my side, half expecting to see Nikolai sleeping in the chair in the corner but I couldn't see anything. The room was pitch black. A familiar chill ran up my spine and I pulled my woolen blanket tighter around me.

I blinked through the darkness, expecting my eyes to adjust but they didn't. I tried to reach for one of the candles on the bedside table but they were gone. Something wasn't right. I slowly reached for the dagger that I hid beneath my pillow, expecting someone to lunge at me at any moment. I waited but nothing happened. _Maybe I was just paranoid? _But I couldn't ignore the heavy stillness of the air, the palpable silence. Feelings I knew all too well.

"That dagger won't do you any good, Alina. You know that." His calm voice cut through the silence, causing the room's atmosphere to shift. _No. He isn't real. He can't be here. _

I tightened my grip around the dagger and squinted my eyes into the darkness. Nothing. He had pulled all the light from the room. I tried to assess the situation. _Was he really here or was he using the tether that bound us?_ Neither one was less frightening than the other.

I closed my eyes and listened, waiting for the Darkling to make a move. There was nothing, not even the sound of _nichevo'ya _clicking and whirring. Then the floorboards creaked. My stomach sank. _Saints. No. _

"You're not speaking to me anymore," he said matter-of-factly. His voice carried from the corner of the room, probably lounging in Nikolai's chair. "I guess that's to be expected. We didn't part on the best of terms."

_It may well take me another lifetime to break you, Alina, but I will put my mind to the task. _Those were his parting words. A scoff escaped my lips. I felt indignant at his calm exterior, his callous use of language.

"What makes you think I would ever have any interest in speaking to you again?" I spat.

"Variables have changed, Alina. Your guiding light is gone. There's no tracker to keep you on a path of righteousness," he said casually. The edge of his words acted like pinpricks against my heart. "Your Lantsov pup is no more. He's now a flea-bitten hound, forever haunted by the _gift_ I gave him."

He chose his words carefully, making sure they had enough biting edge. I knew he was only trying to weaken me, to break me. _But he was right._ A wave of nausea rolled through me, forcing me to lean my head back against the wall.

"I have to admit, I am upset over the _otkazat'sya_ and his untimely death. I'm not sure how many lifetimes it will take to find the third amplifier. However, I'm willing to wait for the things that I want. Maybe another skilled tracker will be born and—"

"You will never have the third amplifier," I said, feeling a quiet rage building inside me.

"Is that so? Will you make it your mission to stop me then?" he taunted.

I breathed in a sharp breath of air and illuminated the room, casting white light over the swirling darkness. The Darkling sat exactly like I imagined him, lounging casually in the armchair. His face rested in his hand, grey eyes glinting. He reminded me of a predator, silently watching its prey before an attack.

"You can't kill what is already dead." The words spilled from my mouth before I could consider their consequence. I watched as the realization slowly washed over his face. His eyes darted to my exposed wrist then back to me.

"You're lying," he said with a twinge of worry in his voice.

I shrugged, trying to act indifferent. "I encourage you to spend several lifetimes trying to prove me wrong."

"If you were telling the truth, you would be wearing the firebird's bone around your wrist. Don't play me for a fool, Alina."

"Or maybe…" I pushed myself from the wall, dangling my legs over the side of the bed. I leveled my gaze with his and said, "…maybe _Mal_ and I did what was best. Maybe we killed the firebird and destroyed its remains, ensuring that you would _never_ be able to wield Morozova's power."

He clenched his jaw, staring at me with unblinking eyes.

"When you marched on Keramzin and killed those innocent people, my _friends_, Mal and I were hunting the firebird. That's why I didn't come to you sooner."

I held my breath, expecting the Darkling to rise up in anger or summon the _nichevo'ya, _but he did neither one. He sat quietly, assessing my face, looking for any indication of a lie. His lips formed into a devious smirk.

"You destroyed the only chance you had of killing me, all for a childish game that only you are playing. Well done, Alina, well done." He leaned back in the chair, his posture relaxing.

I swallowed the spit that had been bubbling in my throat. The lie did not faze him. He didn't care about the amplifier, as long as he had an upper hand over me.

"What's the purpose of all of this, _Aleksander_?" I asked with disdain fueling my words.

He flinched at the sound of his name. "The purpose of what?"

"Of _everything_. Of playing cat-and-mouse, your hunger for power and destruction, your consistent attempts to rule over a land that doesn't even want you."

There was silence then he shifted in the chair. "How else would I endure this eternity, Alina? The desire to play house with _otkazat'sya _eventually fades, as I'm sure you've already discovered. Pretending to be something you are not grows tiresome. Again, a feeling I'm sure you're familiar with. There's nothing else left to do in this world but rule. You will learn that in time, if you haven't begun to feel it already." He didn't bother masking the sadness in his voice.

I turned away from his watchful gaze as my vision began to blur. Then I stifled the light in my hand and let the darkness wash over us. I tried to push back the tears but they flowed more freely than before. Whether he was fooling me or not, I couldn't ignore the truthfulness of his words or the sorrow of a boy who once wanted the same things that I did, who once felt as I did.

"My worst fear is to become you," I whispered into the dark.

He remained silent. I felt the darkness stir, the atmosphere shift from his movements. The floorboards creaked then I felt the warmth of his lips on my forehead. His touch made my body go rigid. The darkness surged forward within me, along with the overwhelming feeling of hunger that I thought I had forgotten.

"Saints can't become monsters, Alina," he whispered.

The atmosphere shifted again and moonlight began to spill from the partially open curtains. I cautiously laid back down and rolled onto my back with my hand resting on my forehead. My other hand still gripped the dagger. I wasn't sure if he had physically been there or not. Regardless, I was shaken by his presence, his words.

_Saints can't become monsters, Alina. _

_Can monsters become saints?_

* * *

**Author's Note:** Finally, the Darkling makes his appearance! I hope you guys enjoyed it and look forward to more. I know I enjoyed writing this chapter. Let me know what you think of the story so far! Reviews are always welcome!


	5. Chapter 5

The Darkling's word buzzed through my head, keeping me from sleep. His presence cast a hazy shadow over me. It made me feel unclean. I rubbed my arms, trying to scrape the darkness away but it wouldn't budge.

I didn't understand what I was feeling. It was a painful, confusing mixture of sadness, anger, regret, and something else I couldn't quite identify. My heart ached in my chest. Why had his words disturbed me so? I felt uneasy. I needed to move, to act, to do something other than reflect on his words.

The sun had barely risen over the horizon when I charged through the guarded doors of the Lantsov quarters in the Grand Palace. Nikolai stood before a gold rimmed floor length mirror, adjusting the white collar of his shirt. He turned, giving an assuring nod to the guards. They cautiously stepped away and closed the ornate doors.

"I saw the Darkling last night," I said before Nikolai had a chance to speak.

Nikolai's eyes widened and the color drained from his face. He let the fear wash over him for a moment then he blinked it away, seemingly collected.

"Did he hurt you?" he asked, his hazel eyes scanning over me.

I shook my head. "Has there been any sign of him since the battle on the Fold? Any sight of gruesome maiming or murder?"

"No, nothing at all. He's been in hiding, obviously planning what to do next. What did he want from you?"

I looked away from him, unsure how to answer his question. "I don't know."

Nikolai opened his mouth to speak then sighed and stepped forward.

"Alina, back at the Spinning Wheel, I remember you telling me that you and him were… connected. That you could see each other through visions. I suggested that you use that to gain information and—"

"You aren't suggesting that again, are you?"

Nikolai grimaced. "No, I'm apologizing for suggesting it at all. I didn't fully understand it then, to be bound to such darkness. Now I do, even if only a little."

"At the time, it was necessary to have the advantage over him. Besides, it wouldn't work even if I tried," I said as I rubbed the side of my arm. "He's always aware of my presence, like I am of is."

"What did he say to you, Alina?" Nikolai asked as he stepped closer.

_Your guiding light is gone._

"The firebird wasn't the last amplifier," I blurted as I brought my eyes back up to meet Nikolai's gaze. "Mal was." I paused to let the words sink in but his expression didn't falter.

"He wanted me to kill him, to use his power for my own. To destroy the Darkling and the Shadow Fold for good. But I couldn't do it, Nikolai. I couldn't take his life myself so I let him die out there, slaughtered by those _monsters_." I could feel the tears coming but I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of Nikolai. I shut my eyes, forcing them back.

Nikolai's boots tapped against the granite floor, hesitating to bridge the distance between us. I willed my eyes to open and rubbed the moisture away.

"Despite these hideous reminders of my strength," I said, gesturing to my neck and wrist. "I am no match for the Darkling and his ever-growing army of darkness. No matter how much I train, no matter how powerful I will become, I will never be strong enough to kill him."

A confused expression crossed Nikolai's face. "With time you could become—"

"He did all those horrible things because of me, you know. He killed those people, tortured Genya…tortured you… all because of me." My voice was low, shaking in my throat.

Nikolai shook his head, his expression changed from confused to angry. "That isn't true. He did it because he _enjoyed_ it. You couldn't have stopped him."

I laughed a high, bitter laugh. "He isn't ever going to stop. As long as I am alive, he'll continue to hurt those closest to me until he's all that's left." I stepped backwards, away from Nikolai. I turned and walked to the large, stately window that covered the farthest wall.

Pushing back the curtain, staring beyond the palace walls, past the buildings of Os Alta, I took in the view of Ravka. The world was waking up slowly, rising to the sun. It was beautiful but it felt so distant from me, as if I wasn't really seeing it.

Nikolai's boots tapped along the floor, stopping closely behind me.

"I don't know what he said to you, Alina, but it's clear he wanted to shake your confidence. To make you feel helpless. You must see that? Just yesterday you said we would rebuild Ravka together. And now you're… I'm not sure what you're doing…" There was desperation in his words, as if he was hoping I had not been broken.

"And just yesterday you said that my days are not numbered like yours, Nikolai. Do you truly understand what that means?" I turned back to him, ignoring his sudden proximity. "I will cower for eternity, shrink away from every shadow, every dark corner, in fear that he waits for me there. I don't want that life, that's why I tried to... I knew that if I couldn't kill Mal, death would be kinder than a life in Ravka, living in fear until the darkness swallows me whole."

Nikolai reached out, resting his hands gently on my shoulders. The faded _nichevo'ya _bite throbbed beneath his touch, causing the familiar clash of light and darkness to stir. He leveled his gaze with mine, his expression mournful.

"Alina, listen to me. You have an entire Grisha army at your disposal. Among them, you have people who have sworn their lives to you, Soldat Sol who regard you as their divine Saint. With time, you will regain your strength. Utilizing your devoted people and your brilliant ability, you will kill the Darkling and he won't be able to hurt you again."

I looked into his pained eyes as I processed his words, turning them over in my head. In that moment, it all seemed so pointless. I choked back a sob as the absurdity dawned on me. Nikolai couldn't understand what I was saying. I was staring into an eternal abyss with no one by my side.

"But if the Darkling dies…" I began. "I will be entirely… alone…" The words pooled from my mouth like molasses but they hit Nikolai quickly. He released his grip on my shoulders, anger flashing across his face.

He turned his back to me and said coldly, "You have Grisha to train, Alina. Go."

I stared at his back, hesitating to move. I wanted to explain myself, to make him understand a semblance of the pain I felt, but I knew it was pointless.

"Nikolai, I'm—"

"That's an _order_ from your king. Now. _Go_."

I stormed past him, pushing back angry tears as I slammed the Lantsov doors.

It felt like something inside of me had snapped. Like a small string had finally been stretched too thin.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I apologize for taking so long to update! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. It encourages me to continue writing the story. Please review and happy reading!


	6. Chapter 6

I stood before a small crowd of mixed _keftas_—all green, red, and blue. Somber faces stared as we gathered next to the lake. Beside me were my friends, the newly appointed Grisha leaders. They were unsure what to say. The Grisha that had arrived were mostly younger, many of them stationed at Keramzin until the Darkling took them. A few of the older ones that stood out were badly wounded and needed a place to feel useful, though I didn't recognize any of their faces.

Genya nudged my shoulder and whispered, "Say something, Alina. You're good at making speeches."

I stared blankly at her, looking between her and the Grisha. Before I could respond, she gently pushed me forward, separating me from the others. I could hear Zoya snickering behind me. I shot her a threatening glance then cleared my throat.

"Welcome back to the Little Palace, everyone. I, uh, understand that many of you are tired, exhausted from the war," I said, my unsteady voice echoing through the cool morning air. I turned my head to look at Genya. She waved her hand, urging me to continue.

"We are going to rebuild the Second Army. However, things are going to be different than before. We will all be united. That means no more ranking of power or separation among the orders. We are together in all of this…" I paused, not sure what else to say. "The Grisha leaders will now introduce themselves," I finished flatly, stepping back as heat rose to my cheeks.

I wanted to say more, to give an empowering speech about having hope and fighting until the end, but I didn't believe the words. My talk with Nikolai, the Darkling's presence, the aching pain in my heart kept me from feeling empowered.

After the preliminary introductions, I eagerly joined Zoya with several of the younger Grisha in the training rooms. I had a lot of pent-up emotion that desperately needed to be released. We went through combat drills and defensive fighting while the children stared in awe.

Zoya put me on the offensive, effortlessly dodging my attacks. Her smooth movements frustrated me, causing me to fight carelessly. She pulled me to the ground several times while a few of the Grisha laughed. I wasn't boasting well for the power of the Sun Summoner or a Saint.

Once the Grisha were tired and Zoya and I were bruised and bleeding, we excused them for lunch. We sat on the hardwood floor, breathing heavily. Zoya laughed as she rubbed a trickle of blood from her bottom lip.

"You're strong, you know," she said casually.

I rolled my eyes. "It's only a busted lip."

"No, I mean you're strong… because of everything that's happened. I didn't think you were much when I first saw you. Now you're a completely different person," she said contemplatively.

Her sincerity caught me off-guard. "Thank you, Zoya," I said. It was all I could manage to say. I stood up and she did the same. "I didn't think much of you either."

She smirked. "Watch out, Alina. I can still break a couple of your ribs if I need to."

After we finished picking up the equipment strewn about the room, we headed for the Little Palace in search of a healer for our wounds.

"Do you have a plan yet?" she asked as we walked along the stone path.

"A plan?"

"Yeah, like a plan for Ravka. The Darkling's still out there and so is the Fold. Have you thought about what you'll do?"

I sighed. "Not really. My mind's been a little preoccupied. I'm guessing you aren't the only one who's wondering what I'll do?"

She shook her head. "A lot of people are still expecting you to marry Nikolai."

"That's definitely _not_ something I'll do."

Zoya snorted. "He's the most charming man I have ever seen, even with those scars, it's effortless for him. I don't know how you can resist him."

"Did Nikolai put you up to this?" I joked.

"You can't deny it would be fitting, Alina. Imagine a Grisha queen! That could finally change Grisha treatment for good," she enthused.

_The people would love you for a time. But what would they think when their good king aged and died, while his witch of a wife remained young?_

"Yeah, a Grisha queen…"

"Why do you look so pale all of a sudden? Did I hurt you that badly?" Zoya asked, looking concerned.

I winced dramatically and clutched my side. "I may be bleeding internally. We better find a healer soon or you'll be charged with the murder of a _Saint_."

She rolled her eyes and shoved me playfully. "You do look pale though."

I laughed and pushed the Darkling's words to the back of my mind. I had let him get inside my head once already. I couldn't allow him to do it again.

* * *

That afternoon, Nikolai called the Grisha leaders to the war room. He didn't explicitly call me but I followed Genya in anyway. He smiled at us as we filed in. Beside him stood Misha with a pitcher of water, looking as enthusiastic as ever. Misha's eyes lit up as he saw me, but he stayed rooted beside Nikolai.

"Thank you all for coming so quickly," Nikolai said as we sat down. "This will be a short meeting as I have other matters to tend to. How was everyone's first day?"

I struggled to stifle my laughter. Genya and I were worried over the impromptu war meeting, thinking the Darkling's shadow army was rapidly approaching. But Nikolai had only wanted to ask them how their day went. It was comical.

Zoya spoke up first. "It went well. Alina and I taught some of the younger ones how to block attacks."

Nikolai nodded. "Combat training. That's a good start. And Genya? David?"

David shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He still wasn't used to the idea of being a leader.

Genya smiled and said, "Everything went well with my group today. Though we need to acquire some bodies to practice with."

"Bodies? Right. I'm sure we can find you some."

David rubbed the back of his neck and said, "I've assigned projects to my group. I will see in a week how efficient they are. Until then, all I can say is that they're eager to learn."

Nikolai clasped his hands together in a satisfied gesture. "Good, good. It sounds like you all are well suited for your positions. Are there any issues or concerns we need to address before I go?"

Everyone shook their head except me. "When will we receive more Grisha? Ones that aren't all practically children or injured?" I asked.

"The able-bodied Grisha are scattered around Ravka, still stationed with many of the First Army. I'm having a couple of groups sent back here, but most will remain at their posts," he said as he rose from the chair. He pushed it beneath the table and said, "We still have a war to win."

We nodded in agreement and rose from our chairs.

"I will see you all at dinner," Nikolai said before he walked out the war room doors.

"I hope all war meetings are that brief," Zoya muttered.

David nodded and rushed to the door. "I have work to do," he said to Genya. Then he was gone.

"I'm grateful we finally have a considerate king," Genya added as she joined Zoya by the door. "Alina, are you coming?"

I was still standing by my chair, watching Misha clean the war room table with a rag. I waved her off. "I'll meet you at dinner." She nodded reluctantly and followed Zoya out of the room.

"Misha, why are you cleaning the table?" I asked as she shut the door.

He anxiously scrubbed the wood, despite there being nothing to clean.

"It's my job," he said as he continued.

"Nikolai said you've been keeping busy lately. Is this what you've been doing?"

He shrugged and picked up the unused cups strewn along the table.

"What have you been doing then?"

He shrugged again. "The same things my mom used to do." _Servant work._

I rounded the table and crouched in front of him, gently tugging the rag from his hand. He looked at me and bit his lip. I pulled him into a hug and he dug his face into my neck. I could feel his body shaking a little. He was struggling not to cry.

"I visited you everyday when you were asleep," he said into my neck.

I pulled him back and said, "Really? I bet that was no fun."

"I read to you like I did to Baghra."

I couldn't help but smile. "Why don't you take a break from all this and we go down to the lake? Do you still have that sword?"

He nodded eagerly. "You should get a wooden sword too. That way we can play!"

I tousled his brown hair and said, "I would love that."

* * *

All throughout dinner, I couldn't take my mind off of Misha. I knew he wanted to keep busy, but knowing he spent his time cleaning made my heart hurt. He was only a child, already assuming the role of a servant. Playing by the lake earlier made him incredibly happy. _If only he were Grisha, he could have a good life here. _But he wasn't Grisha. He was a normal boy who deserved a normal childhood, not a life as a servant.

Who knew how many parents the war had taken, how many children had been left to fend for themselves in the wake? It made my skin crawl to think about it. But the war was not over yet. There would be more dead parents, more lost children. I reluctantly thought of Keramzin and its charred remains, the orphanage that was no more. _One less place for lost children to call home._ I rose from my seat and walked to the other end of the table where Nikolai sat.

He sighed as I sat down. "I acted foolishly this morning."

"That's not why I'm here. I want to talk to you about Keramzin."

His ears perked up. "Oh?"

"I want the orphanage to be rebuilt. I want it to be a place where children go to _live_, not just to be shuffled around until they're of age to be killed in the First Army. Can you do that for me, Nikolai?"

He stared forward, probably thinking how to politely turn me down. I held my breath, waiting in anticipation while he sat quietly. Then he turned to me, a faint smile on his face, and said, "Done."

"Done? Done as in yes?"

"Done as in 'already working on it'."

My eyes widened. "What?"

"I assumed there was a chance you would want to return so I had Fabrikators sent there last week."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise. It was once your home, Alina, and it was destroyed. I wanted you to see it in person, restored to its former glory."

I was speechless and completely overwhelmed with joy. I desperately wanted to hug Nikolai but I knew it wouldn't be appropriate, especially not in front of so many watchful eyes.

"How can I thank you?" I asked.

"You can thank me by returning."

"I wouldn't stay there, Nikolai. I've spent enough of my life in orphanages."

He shook his head. "That's not what I meant. Once you're outside these walls, away from the nuances of this life, if only for a little while, I'm afraid you will not want to return. I know the feeling all too well."

"But you came back."

"I did."

Beneath the table, I slowly laced my fingers with his own, squeezing his hand for a moment, and said, "Then I will to." I released his hand and asked, "When can I leave?"

Color filled his cheeks. "You want to go right now? You've only been with the Grisha for a day."

"Be honest with yourself, Nikolai. The Grisha don't _need_ me. Not when they have three incredibly powerful leaders. I just don't want to see Misha cleaning any more tables. I don't care how well meaning it is to keep his mind off his mother, I want him around other children. I want them to have peace-of-mind despite the war."

"That's wanting an awful lot," he said thoughtfully. "But it isn't impossible."

"Can I leave tomorrow?"

He squeezed the bridge of his nose and said, "You don't need my permission. You aren't a prisoner here."

"But you _are_ the king."

"Take Tolya and Tamar with you. Travel discreetly. Stay away from towns. Don't draw attention to—"

"Okay, I understand. I should try and stay hidden. But you should know, I _am_ capable of taking care of myself."

He smiled. "That is one thing I am certain of."

I pushed back the chair and asked, "Will you see me off tomorrow?"

"Of course."

"Thank you again, Nikolai. I'll see you in the morning," I said as I stood. I walked past Tamar and Nadia, who were engaged in conversation. I reached Tolya and leaned in next to him.

"Tomorrow, we're going on an adventure."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I would like to give a huge thank you to **I Can Kill You With My Brain** (love the Firefly reference btw) and **dristi5683** for the lovely reviews. You guys are awesome! Reviews keep me inspired to write. Happy reading!


	7. Chapter 7

We rode out of Os Alta in an unmarked coach, exiting the city's gates well before sunrise, per Nikolai's request. He was convinced that I was a moving target. It was imperative that I travel without being noticed, he said. I understood his worries but my greatest fear wasn't some Fjerdan assassin or dedicated zealot. I was confident I could handle them with ease.

No, my fear existed in the shadows. It manifested itself in the places that light could not reach, silently waiting for me in the dark. His visit the other night did what he intended it to do—frighten me. My dramatic outburst with Nikolai illustrated that well.

I hoped that the Darkling truly was growing tired. His actions had been desperate the past few months. He did everything in his power to possess me in some way, failing time and time again. That should exhaust any person, even him. I imagined him resting like some eternal power, waiting a millennium before appearing once more.

I bit my lip, not wanting to think about him further. I pushed back the silken curtain and looked out the window. Faintly, I could make out the growing tent city that stood outside Os Alta's walls, waiting for their _Sankta Alina_ to make an appearance.

"It didn't take them long to rebuild their little city," I said to a sleepy Tamar and an alert Tolya.

"They are devoted," Tamar said, trying to suppress a yawn. She agreed to tag along with little persuasion needed, though she resented having to wake up so early. She leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes.

"And rightfully so," Tolya muttered beside her. He sat upright, completely focused with gun in hand. He had been eager to leave the Little Palace. And even more eager to be a bodyguard again. "I don't know how you can be so relaxed."

Tamar shrugged, eyes still closed. "I'll wake up when I'm needed."

I smiled, appreciating Tamar's calm exterior. It did well to balance out Tolya's seriousness and my nervousness. I closed the curtain and tried to close my eyes, thinking about the journey that lied ahead.

Nikolai suggested that I see the newly rebuilt Keramzin and determine what needed to be added or changed. He said that he would send a few people to Os Kervo to assist me with whatever I purchased there once I was done. I was delighted to be apart of Keramzin's rebirth, as it wasn't always the most welcoming place for children. It had good intentions but everything was untouchable, off-limits. It never truly felt like your own space. I decided it wouldn't be that way this time.

* * *

It took several days to reach Keramzin. The trek was fairly easy. We, surprisingly, had little issue traveling discreetly. No one attacked us or attempted to take our lives. Tolya remained on edge the entire time while Tamar relaxed, occasionally talking to me about Nadia and her little quirks.

I stared out the window as we rode through the white pillars of the gate, bouncing along the straight gravel drive. A sunken feeling grew in my chest as we came to a stop. I couldn't help but fear that everything would be in ruin like before.

I held my breath as Tolya and Tamar stepped out of the coach first, ready to attack if necessary. My leg bounced against the floor of the coach as I waited for them to tell me it was safe. Minutes passed then Tamar finally opened the coach door, a grin plastered across her face.

With clumsy movements, I leaped out of the coach and took in the scene before me. Keramzin seemed to glow beneath the afternoon sun. It stood, slightly larger than before, made with beautiful polished wood. It was stately, elegant even, but in a way that welcomed you to its door.

I turned in a circle, taking in the greenery around me. Life flourished in all directions. I couldn't believe my eyes. There was no sign of the burning that occurred just months before. Keramzin had gracefully risen from the ashes, all thanks to Nikolai's kind gesture.

I felt I would burst with joy until I turned my head and saw it. The large oak tree still stood, towering over Keramzin. The memory of the dead, hanging from the branches of the tree flashed across my mind again. I slowly approached it with unblinking eyes. I was afraid Ana Kuya's body would appear, dangling from the branch, if I blinked. With outstretched hands, I touched the bark of the tree.

"Cut it down," I whispered.

Tamar appeared beside me. "Cut it down?"

"Cut it down," I ordered loud enough for the nearby Grisha to hear. "Then burn it."

I heard a few 'yes, _moi soverenyi_' as I walked past them, heading toward the stone steps that led inside. I felt at ease once I crossed the threshold, away from the reminder of the carnage that took place. The inside was bare but gleaming. Sunlight poured in through the large windows that lined the walls. The floors were clean and polished. I couldn't deny that it was beautiful. The Fabrikators did an incredible job.

* * *

After we ate dinner with the Grisha that night, Tolya and I sat by the campfire while Tamar fell asleep with a bottle of _kvas_. I had never seen her so at ease before. I guessed that Nadia was a welcome distraction for her. Tolya sat beside me, mostly relaxed, with his sunburst tattoo clearly exposed in the firelight.

I listened intently while he told me stories from his privateer days with the renowned Sturmhond. It was strange to hear stories of the three of them sailing the True Sea together, living outside the land of Ravka and its tribulations.

"And then Sturmhond had these pirates stark naked, begging for their lives as they were about to be shoved overboard. Of course he wasn't really going to feed them to the sharks. He only wanted them to think that. He got the information out of them then put all eight of them in a rowboat, bound and gagged, docking it at the nearest port. That's when Tamar and I knew that we belonged on Sturmhond's ship," Tolya finished with a smile.

I laughed, wiping a tear from my eye. "It sounds so freeing. Like the world couldn't touch you."

He fell silent and looked to the sky, staring up at the stars like they were once his home.

"Would you want to go back?"

He sighed, bringing his large hands to rest against the back his head. "Things are different now."

I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't mean you can't go back, Tolya. Even Nikolai talked about returning."

Tolya shook his head. "We all have obligations, Alina. Obligations greater than ourselves."

"And why is your obligation to serve and protect me?" I asked, gesturing to his tattoo. I had never really understood why Tolya or Tamar fought for me with such fervency.

He didn't respond as he sat there, staring at the glittering night sky.

"Well, thank you for doing so," I said. "Mal and I couldn't have made it without you and Tamar." I looked down at her, curled around the brown bottle, sleeping soundly.

"I have no doubt you would have survived without us. Without Mal even." As soon as the words left his mouth, he tensed up. "I'm sorry," he said hurriedly. "I didn't mean to say that."

I stared at him, unsure what to make of his words. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't mean anything by it," Tolya said as he began to rise from the ground.

I reached out and wrapped my fingers around his large arm. His dark eyes looked down at me, frustration evident in his face. "Don't doubt your abilities, Tolya. I owe my life to you and Tamar both. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for the two of you."

"That's not what I meant," he said as he sat back down, shifting uncomfortably. "You never needed any of us. You could have made it on your own, especially now."

There was a double meaning to his words that I couldn't quite understand.

"You've grown powerful," Tolya continued. "We all see it. Even the Darkling knows it. He wouldn't have run into hiding if he wasn't threatened."

"If you're talking about what happened on the Fold, that power came from Mal somehow. I remember holding onto him, maybe that—"

"No, Alina. Your power didn't come from Mal. It came from _you_."

I shook my head. "You're wrong. There's no way I could have changed Nikolai back without the power of the last amplifier. I tried before then, to purge the darkness from him, but it didn't work. So I don't know what you're talking about."

Tolya picked up a stick that sat beside him and poked it in the fire, causing sizzling embers to jump into the air. "You're not going to like what I have to say."

"I don't care. Just tell me."

He sighed. "We were close behind Mal, following the faint light from the _lumiya_. Then we saw the light shoot from you, followed by your screams. The sound was deafening as it mixed with the volcra," he said solemnly as he stared into the fire.

I could feel a knot developing in the pit of my stomach as Tolya paused.

"The light went out and Tamar thought you were dead. But I knew better. Then blinding light shot from you, like nothing I had ever seen. It engulfed everything. I thought it was the end of the world. It was quick, but it wasn't instant. It held for nearly a minute, covering everything."

"That doesn't prove that I did that on my own," I insisted.

"You're not understanding," he said, throwing the stick into the fire, causing it to crackle loudly. He turned to me, his dark eyes serious. "Mal's death _freed_ you."

"That's ridiculous," I whispered.

"Think about it, Alina. In that moment, you knew he was dead. Dead but not by your hands. How could he have amplified your power in any way?" He shook his head. "He couldn't. That power was you in your purest and strongest form."

"You don't know what you're talking about," I said as I quickly stood up. Tolya rose from the ground to follow but I held up my hand, signaling him to stay. "I'm only going for a walk. I'll shoot up a beam of light if anything happens."

He gave me a stern nod before I turned my back and walked in the direction of the woods. The moon hung high in the sky, barely illuminating the ground as I walked. I wasn't thinking about the darkness as I moved between the trees, I was only focused on Tolya's accusation.

Mal and I needed each other here at Keramzin, two orphaned children who had no family but each other. That's how I grew to love him. But had it been out of necessity? He found friendships in others, relationships even. I never truly grew attached to anyone other than him.

My thoughts made me feel unsteady as I walked. I made my way into the small clearing that I spent many summers running through. I found a familiar rock to sit on and brought my legs into my chest as I sat. Tolya was right, I didn't like what he had to say but I couldn't escape it now.

Once I grew into myself, Mal changed. He finally saw me once I became the _Sun Summoner_ but he was afraid of what I was. I became someone strong, someone with unparalleled power and that frightened him. He was scared that I no longer needed him. Was his fear justified all along? I didn't think I was capable alone, not with him by my side, constantly reminding me of what we shared. Maybe I had been wrong?

I dug my face into my knees. I felt I was betraying Mal, hurting him, even in death. He had always been the easy answer. A life with Mal. In time, we could have settled back at Keramzin and lived simply. That's what anyone would want. But it wasn't what I truly wanted. It never was. There had always been something drawing me to a larger purpose—a life of power.

_Mal's death freed you._

Was Tolya right? Had I been freed of something I once wanted so desperately? In a way, had Mal's death given me the power I had been searching for? I could feel another string within me being pulled too thin. Another truth bubbling to the surface, another part of me that I could no longer ignore.

A weight dissolved inside of me as I sat there, alone in the same woods I played with Mal in so long ago. No tears came, no angry declaration of my failure or my sadness. I was done crying. Mal was dead and he took a part of me with him.

It was a part of me that I was willing to leave behind.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thank you to all of the people who continue to read and review this story. I know the plot is slow moving, but I wanted to try and develop Alina's feelings fully before I jumped into anything. This is still, largely, me trying to accurately portray a proper ending to Ruin & Rising. So thank you again for reading and please review! (Things are going to get interesting in the next chapter, I _promise_.)


	8. Chapter 8

"You're being ridiculous," Tamar said, crossing her arms defiantly across her chest.

Tolya poked his head outside of the coach and said, "She's made up her mind. There's no use arguing."

"Nikolai isn't going to like this," she insisted.

"He already anticipated I would do something like this, Tamar. It won't come as a surprise when you two return to Os Alta without me."

"It's _dangerous_, Alina. The longer you're out here, the less safe you'll be. Especially without us around."

I stepped forward and pulled open the coach door, gesturing for Tamar to climb inside. "I won't be gone long. Maybe a few weeks, no longer than a month. I am the _Sun_ _Summoner _remember. I'll be fine."

Tamar shook her head as she climbed into the coach. "Your being the Sun Summoner is the _exact_ reason you're in danger."

Tolya leaned out of the coach again. "I hope you find what you're looking for," he said, not bothering to hide the questioning tone in his voice.

I feigned a small smile. "I'll be back in no time." Before they could say another word, I closed the door of the coach and hit the side, signaling for the driver to move. I turned my back, not wanting to see the twins' disapproving glares as they began down the gravel drive.

The mix of soldiers and Grisha stationed at Keramzin stood at attention as I walked past them, falling completely silent. I couldn't help but notice the tenseness in their faces. Their demeanor made me uncomfortable. One of the Fabrikators, a thin woman named Liliya, dressed in a purple and gray _kefta_, drifted from the crowd to my side.

"The last shipment of furniture arrived this morning," she said quickly.

I nodded. "And when will the new staff arrive?"

"Tomorrow morning. We've gathered a fine batch of teachers from all over Ravka that I hope you will find suitable."

"Kindness is all I expect of them." We stopped at the steps that led inside and I looked beyond Liliya, eyeing the group that still stood rigid and at attention. "Tell them to come inside and sit by the fires. They could all use a break from the cold."

A look of surprise flashed across Liliya's face. "But won't they just…" she leaned forward. "…Dirty up the place?"

I chuckled. "Tell them to take off their boots before coming inside. Problem solved."

Liliya smiled. "Yes, of course, _moi soverenyi_," she said before she flitted off.

I walked inside and made my way up the wooden steps, heading towards my room that overlooked all of Keramzin. I kicked off my boots and relaxed into a burgundy-cushioned chair that sat by the window. Pulling a blanket over me, I watched as Liliya darted from group to group, informing them of my order. Soldiers and Grisha hesitantly gravitated inside, while a few stayed behind to be on watch.

Laughter and songs eventually filtered into my room from down below. The distant chatter stirred the hollowness within me. I wanted to join them, to be apart of their camaraderie but I couldn't ignore the way most of them looked at me. It reminded me of how people looked at the Darkling.

Their faces showed wonder and fear, respect and trepidation. By now, all of Ravka knew what I did out on the Fold. Overly exaggerated stories of my divine strength were on everyone's lips. Saint or not, I knew that many feared I would end up like the Darkling—hungry for change, overwhelmed by power.

Tamar even told me that she heard whispers of my supposed hesitation. Some people were beginning to believe that I intentionally left some of the Fold intact, that I _let_ the Darkling escape. Others believed that I'm just buying time until the Darkling can regain his strength and we can rule Ravka together. The thought made me sick.

I was filled with too much doubt. That's why I stayed behind and made Tolya and Tamar return without me. I told them that that I couldn't return to Os Alta until I found a buried memento that Mal and I hid somewhere in the forest. I said that it meant the world to me and that it was all I had left of our childhood. It was obviously a lie, but neither one pressed the issue.

I couldn't tell them that I needed time to think. No one could understand the extreme pressure that I was under. Everyone seemed so sure of their duties, so certain of their place in this war. I realized I had never been certain of anything.

* * *

Days passed and I tended to Keramzin like it was my own. I personally worked with the new staff members and teachers. I made sure they understood how the children should be treated. I emphasized kindness and joy over strict discipline and rules. It was important for them to understand the childhood of orphaned children. They needed to be cared for, not tamed.

I also worked with the Grisha and soldiers, teaching and learning with them all. It was important to bridge the divide that separated them for so long. I had to be that bridge, as I came from both armies. Surprisingly, several were receptive to my efforts, eagerly working with me and trying to encourage the others. Though many were hesitant to speak to me at all. Too many bore the same look that was once reserved for the Darkling.

I tried my best to keep their suspicions controlled. I had to prove to them that I could be trusted. At first, I tried to drink _kvas_ with them by the fires but I only made everyone uncomfortable. I gave up and shifted my energy to something more productive.

No one was aware of what I did once night had fallen and the moon hung high above the sleeping soldiers. Each night, after most people had fallen asleep, I snuck into the forest and practiced my summoning. At first, I only focused on the light, trying to gain a better understanding of my power. But the more I practiced the light, the more something inside me stirred like a restless animal.

* * *

One achingly cold night, I stood in the clearing of the familiar forest and focused on my breathing. The chill of winter crept through my layered clothes as I stood completely still. With closed eyes, I listened to the skittering of animals, the rustling of trees, the howling of wolves in the distance. There was nothing else. Only the forest and myself.

I knew there were answers in the powers that I possessed. Once I mastered my strength, I could understand my place in the world. At least, that's what I told myself. It wasn't that simple, but I couldn't handle anymore complex emotions. There was a part of me that I had been ignoring, repressing for too long. It was past time to explore that part.

With hesitation, I bit my lip and pulled from the darkest part of myself. I felt a strange heaviness as it surged forward, flowing through me. My heart pounded in my chest as the power rose and writhed, like a living creature, coursing inside me. I let out a choked breath and opened my eyes.

Inky tendrils of blackness seeped from my fingers, swirling around me. Darkness pooled around my feet, spreading slowly like the sea of tar from my nightmares. The ground disappeared beneath it, enveloped by the murky shadows.

I could feel a weight pressing on my shoulders, forcing me to ground. I fell to my knees as the darkness twisted around me. It reacted to my place on the ground, coiling around my legs, climbing my body and wrapping around my torso.

The blackness crawled up my neck and pooled into my mouth, filling my lungs, causing me to clutch my chest for breath. It was all around me. I couldn't see beyond the darkness, I couldn't _feel_ beyond it. I felt both heavy and hollow. I sunk further, falling into the murky depths.

Despair descended over me. It was a different kind of sadness than what I felt on the Fold. This sorrow felt infinite, like it existed long before my birth and would continue to exist long after my death. _Was this not my power to use? _

_No_.

It _was_ my power. It had always been apart of me. I had never let it come forward so strongly before. But it was mine._ I_ had the control. I couldn't let myself drown in a sea of blackness. I couldn't let myself succumb to fear.

I released my grip on my chest and let my muscles relax. My arms fell to my side. I stared into the abysmal depths and didn't look away. Slowly, my breathing returned to me. The heaviness in my bones faded. The darkness lessened and uncoiled from around my body. I watched as the inky tendrils transformed into smoke before my eyes, moonlit rays shining through them.

With shaky knees, I slowly rose from the cold ground. The darkness reacted and whirred around me, but it wasn't latching onto me like before. I realized that the smoke was less dense than the Darkling's _nichevo'ya_. It swirled lightly around me, black wisps dancing in the air.

I raised my arm and willed the wisps to move. They followed my command. I did this repeatedly, exerting control over the darkness that I wielded. I practiced well into the night. I had to make sure that _I_ had the power.

I kept waiting for my body to grow tired but it never did. It was as if the darkness gave me more energy than ever before. As if its use was recharging every ounce of my being. My senses felt heightened. I felt as good as I did the first time I used my light without the help of an amplifier, like I had finally been awoken from a long sleep.

Once shades of purple and orange began to replace the dull light of the moon, I knew it was time to return inside. Time seemed to escape me as I practiced summoning the darkness. It was a different feeling than that of wielding the light of the sun. As I made my way out of the forest, I cloaked myself in darkness and weaved my way through the campsite, past the tired guards, and went inside.

As soon as my head hit my pillow, I fell asleep.

* * *

The pattern continued over the following week. I tended to my Sun Summoner duties during the day, practiced my powers at night. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until I was woken from my bed one morning.

"_Moi soverenyi_, _moi soverenyi_," someone said.

Hesitant hands lightly shook my shoulder. I tried to swat the hands away but my arm wouldn't move.

"_Alina_," they said more insistently.

My heavy eyelids slowly parted open. Liliya crouched beside me, looking concerned and a little annoyed. Her thin mouth was turned in a frown.

"What is it?" I groaned.

"It's past midday. The Grisha were wondering if you would train with them today."

"Past midday?" I questioned. "I only _just_ fell asleep."

She lowered her gaze to the floor. "You've been sleeping a lot lately."

I slowly shook my head. "No more than usual," I protested. I didn't want to admit she was right. "Give me ten minutes. Then we can train."

She bowed slightly then shuffled out the room, lightly closing the bedroom door behind her. I turned my head toward one of the windows, assessing the light that peaked out from behind the curtains. With ease, I summoned a wisp of darkness and willed it to part the curtain.

Afternoon light streamed into the room, causing my eyes to water. The shadow wisp evaporated into the air as I lost focus. My arm dangled over the side of the bed as I laid there, utterly exhausted.

With great difficulty, I tried to pull myself upward. I was panting and my heart was racing by the time I was on my feet. The room spun around me as I walked toward the armchair, where my clothes laid draped over the side. I grasped the chair for support as I tried to regain my balance. The room eventually stopped spinning and my breathing leveled. But my body felt weak.

I slumped into the chair, too tired to change my clothes. I closed my eyes and waited for Liliya to return so that I could tell her that the training was off for today. I don't know how much time had passed but I didn't hear her return.

I awoke to my room awash in an orange glow. A small fire burned in the hearth that sat opposite my bed. Lit candles were strewn about the room. A tray of food sat on the bedside table. It was after dinner. But not too long after, as I could clearly hear the voices of the soldiers from down below, always laughing at something despite the ever-presence of war.

My stomach growled loudly as I breathed in the aroma of marinated beets and cooked bread. I summoned the last bit of my strength and made my way to my bed. I slumped over and picked at the food, quickly feeling nauseous as soon as the food reached my stomach. I pushed the food away then gulped down a glass of water.

I fell backwards, into my blanket and pillows, feeling as if I hadn't slept for days. But sleeping was all I had been doing the past week. _Was I really so tired or was it something else?_ It couldn't be the darkness. It made me feel alive when I wielded it. There was no way it was taking so much from me.

I sighed as I remembered the Darkling's hollowed face, his thin and withered disposition after months of controlling the _nichevo'ya. _Was this so different? I was wielding a power that did not belong to me. It was something that I took. But why was this happening to me _now_? I thought I was stronger. I thought I could control both light and dark.

I was wrong.

The power was taking from me as I was taking from it. It was _draining_ me.

_Like calls to like, girl. _I heard Baghra's throaty warning in my head. _Like calls to like._

Terror surged through me. Why did I think I could dabble in something I knew _nothing_ about? I realized then that my fear of the darkness had transformed into something much more. The darkness was going to consume me from within.

I stared at the candles as they cast dancing shadows along the wall and I thought of what choices I had left. There were none. The blackness was going to drain me, consume me like the black sea from my nightmares. The great Sankta Alina's undoing would be herself.

It was a strange feeling knowing that I was slowly fading away. It was different from before, when it was my choice. This wasn't my choice. I only summoned the darkness because I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unstoppable. Now I was only tired.

But there was still a large part of me that didn't want to succumb to such an ending. Ravka needed me; my people needed me, despite what I often told myself. My _friends_ still needed me.

As I laid there and watched the candles slowly fizzle out, one by one, I knew what I had to do. It was the only option I had left.

With a slow beating heart, I closed my eyes and focused on the faded wound on my shoulder. I let myself sink into the darkness that I had grown far too familiar with. I took one last breath and plucked at the tether that bound us.

As I exhaled, I found myself in a large, cavernous room. My eyes were immediately drawn to him. The Darkling stood mid-stride, mouth slightly agape, with his gleaming grey eyes fixed on me.

"I need your help," I said.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry for the lack of updates, guys. I was going through a writing slump for a bit then college started back and I lost track. But don't worry, I'm going to continue to write this as long as there are people who want to read it. Like always, please review and let me know what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

He held my gaze for several seconds then he continued walking, looking ahead as if he hadn't seen me. My eyes followed him and I took in my surroundings as he moved. His black boots were slightly muffled as they tapped along the rocky ground.

Several Grisha lined the walls of the large room. I couldn't make out their faces as he passed them. It was like I was submerged under dim water, unable to clearly see anything but him. I reluctantly followed behind him like an injured dog. What other choice did I have?

We turned left into a long, rounded hallway. Torches lined the uneven wall, casting deep shadows on the ground. He didn't acknowledge me as he opened a large wooden door and went through. I quickly slipped through before he could close the door. It took me a moment to realize we were in his bedroom.

Black tapestries and cloth adorned the walls and furniture. His symbol, the sun in eclipse, was visible everywhere I looked. I was taken aback by the extent of the decoration. It was as if this was his permanent home, not just a place to sleep until he and his army attacked Os Alta once more. How long was he planning on waiting it out? Months? Years? _Lifetimes_?

I watched him as he rolled up papers that were strewn about his room. He stored them in a dark wooden cabinet, adjacent to his large bed. Remembering everything he had done to me and the people I cared for, it was still so jarring to be reminded that he was just a man. A man with the need for comfort and a pillow to rest his head on at night.

As I watched him move as if I wasn't there, wondering if my presence was fading in my weakened state. What if he saw me as a ghost? A transparent, hollowed out, pale ghost. What if he believed I was a hallucination, like I thought of him so many months ago?

"I don't have long," I whispered.

He didn't acknowledge my words as he moved about the blurry room. I didn't understand what game he was playing. I walked towards him, scrutinizing his indifferent expression. Was I wrong to believe, if only a little, that he cared for me?

"Do you only wish to speak to me when it's on your terms?" I asked. My words had no fire. They were limp and weak, barely escaping my mouth. "I don't understand what's happening to me."

The Darkling finally turned and looked at me. It wasn't the same calculated expression that I had grown used to. No, it was something different, something I had never seen on him before. It almost felt like a look of sympathy. Or pity.

"You let your fear take control of you," he said simply. "And it's eating you alive."

"It's not my fear, but your power. It's killing me," I managed. "_You're_ killing me."

"You don't fear me, Alina?"

Seeing the Darkling standing before me, radiant and certain like when I saw him for the first time—it made me ill. Why was he so powerful and I so weak?

"I wouldn't have sought out your help if I did."

He shrugged. "People become desperate when they're close to death. There's something about it that shakes the soul, causing them to act without thought."

I looked down at the floor. My bare feet contrasted against the blurry stone.

"Are you going to let me die?" I asked. "After all that you've done, your lifetimes of waiting, you're going to let me wither away like this?"

He remained silent for a few minutes, assessing me. Every interaction between us was a game, a power struggle of light versus dark.

"I can't help you from here, Alina," he finally said.

"Well then tell me what to do so I can help myself."

He ran his fingers through his midnight black hair, looking slightly frustrated.

"It's not that simple," he said. "The darkness inside of you won't simply evaporate by sheer power of will. It has to be transferred to something else or it will consume you."

"Transferred? Like creating _nichevo'ya?_"

"Not quite."

He stepped closer to me. I could faintly make out the remnant of the scar that had nearly taken his eye. But overall, his visible scars had faded. It frightened me that I still considered him beautiful after everything he had done.

"I gave you this darkness," he said as he reached out his hand and glided it along my shoulder. I flinched as he hovered over the _nichevo'ya _scar. "I can take it away, if you let me."

His words sent an alarm through me. I took an instinctual step back from him, suddenly realizing that this had been his plan all along. He knew that this would happen. He knew that I wouldn't leave the darkness alone and it would destroy me as a result. But why was I surprised?

"You—you planned this," I stammered. "You wanted this to happen so I would have to _rely_ on you."

"It didn't have to be like this, Alina," He shook his head. "All of this could have been avoided had you stayed by my side."

I stared into his eyes, searching for some sign of humanity. Some sign that I was wrong. I found only an empty boy, hungry for something larger than himself.

"I'd rather die," I spat.

The Darkling smiled coldly at me. "I won't let that happen. Like I've said before, I've been waiting a long time for you, and I'm not going to let your pride—your stubbornness—_ruin_ anything else."

I wanted to scream at him, to hurt him, to use the Cut and permanently remove him from my life, but I didn't move. I didn't say a word. I simply stared at him and thought of my exhausted body at Keramzin. Did he know where I was?

"I am not your enemy, Alina. But I'm not willing to wait an eternity for you to finally understand that."

He turned his back to me and walked towards his bed. With graceful movements, he sat on the edge and slowly removed his boots. He glanced up at me, his eyebrows slightly raised.

"I'll see you soon," was all I heard before I pulled myself back to my room at Keramzin. I stared in the darkness, wondering how much time had passed as all of the candles had burned out.

I cursed myself as I laid there. I cursed myself for succumbing to the temptation of power—power that I knew I had no reason to use. The Darkling's power was infecting me like a slow poison.

_Before long, he will find me and he will take from me as I took from him._

* * *

**Author's Note:** Wow, I'm sorry it has been so long since I've updated. I know this is a short chapter but I'm doing a quick post so you guys can have this until I post the rest. (Which will hopefully be later this week.) Thanks for your patience! Please review and let me know what you guys think!


	10. Chapter 10

My body was shaking in waves, with cold tremors methodically washing over me. I felt like my body had turned on me after all this time. It was trying to detox from the lingering darkness and it was destroying me in the process.

It nauseated me to think of this all being orchestrated. Everything had been planned from the beginning. The Darkling knew my thirst for power, even my thirst for _him_, at one point. He knew I wouldn't leave the darkest parts of myself alone.

_I'll see you soon_, he had said.

I didn't want to believe he knew where I was. But I knew he had a knack for smoking his prey out, like a hunter to a fox in a hole. Just like his attack on my home—on Keramzin so many months ago. He did it solely to provoke me, for me to come out of hiding and _find_ him. I didn't want to relive that kind of pain again.

My choices were simple, really. The safety of my people was more important than my pride. That was something I knew without a doubt. And I also knew I would be no good to Ravka if I spent the rest of my years deteriorating in a hospital bed. I had to make a decision.

* * *

Through sheer willpower, and fear that I was not willing to admit to myself, I managed to crawl out of bed. I took a warm bath, packed a bag of necessities, and ate a few pieces of cooked bread.

I found a mirror and grimaced at my reflection. I looked sickly with sunken cheeks and deep purple bags underneath my eyes. Almost as if I had caught one of the life-threatening colds that swept through the villages of Ravka in the winter. It wasn't all bad though, as I realized I could use my poor appearance in my favor.

With apprehension, I grabbed my bag and made my way downstairs in search of Liliya. I found her seated at a desk in the lessons room. It was far more glamorous than the cramped room we had as children.

Liliya tried to mask the worried expressions on her thin face as she took in my appearance. Judging by her reaction, I was looking worse than when she last saw me only days before.

"_Moi soverenyi_." She said as she stood and bowed slightly.

I nodded at her to sit. "As you probably already know, I am ill. Because of this, I am leaving today for Os Kervo in search of some medicinal herbs." I placed a sealed letter on the desk and continued. "I need you to send this to Os Alta and ensure that our king receives it. No one else."

"No one else…" she murmured. "Would you like me to deliver it myself?"

I glanced around the empty room and said, "Yes. It is important that only our king reads this letter."

She nodded and gingerly picked up the letter. "Please excuse my forwardness, but are you certain you're in the right condition to travel? Any person here would be glad to ride to Os Kervo for you."

I shook my head and smiled a little. "I'm stubborn," I said. "I have to do this myself."

Liliya didn't look convinced. "It isn't safe. I know you're determined but there are many people who want you dead, not to mention the Darkling is still at large…" Her words trailed off as I gave her the sternest expression I could manage.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly as she lowered her head. "That was not my place."

"It's okay, Liliya. I appreciate your consideration," I said softly. "But traveling caravans of soldiers, exquisite coaches— they all gather too much attention. No one will look at me twice. Will you leave for Os Alta today?"

She stood and bowed slightly again. "Yes, I will not fail you."

"Thank you. Could you get a horse ready for me while I go and speak to the soldiers?"

"Of course, _moi soverenyi_."

* * *

As I passed through the gates of Keramzin, I let my shoulders slump and my posture slacken. The movement of the horse made my bones ache but I didn't have to pretend while on the road. My only concern was staying alert as I tried to ignore the pain that weighed me down.

I was wearing brown, muted attire, looking less like a Grisha soldier and more like _otkazat'sya_. The word sent chills down my spine. For most of my life, I had believed that I was defined by that word—the abandoned, the powerless. But it was no longer my identity. For all of the pain that being the Sun Summoner had caused me, it had given me purpose. Purpose that was devoid from my life for too long.

Before long, it was mid-afternoon, with the sun disappearing behind the mountainous horizon. As the sunlight slowly vanished, so did the heat. My bare hands quickly began to lose feeling, causing my grip on the reigns to loosen. Before I could grab them, my body tilted and my balance shifted. I tried to grasp onto the horse as I toppled over but my hands held no strength.

I hit the ground at full force, bouncing slightly along the dirt road. The impact sent shockwaves throughout my body. The horse was several paces away before it realized I was no longer on its back. It came to a stop and turned its head, staring blankly at me.

The pain in my body was too excruciating to register. I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to focus on the horse. I realized that anyone could ride along and take the horse, along with everything on it. I couldn't let that happen, despite the pain I was in.

I clicked my tongue and patted the dusty ground, calling the horse over. It moved slowly, its hooves stomping along. Once it was within reach, I tugged on the side of the saddle and struggled to pull myself upwards. I finally stood after several attempts. I leaned my body weight on its side and used the horse as support as I guided us away from the road.

A dense and uninviting forest lined the road we were traveling on. I decided I would use the shadows of the trees for cover until I could travel again. I tied the horses' reigns to a tree and fed it dried apples before slumping to the ground.

Warm blood pooled from a tear in my pants. I could feel it running down my leg and tickling my ankle. My clothes stuck to my body in different spots where I was cut. It was both revolting and terrifying. I began to shake from the breeze that hit my exposed and bloody skin.

I hit my head against the trunk of the tree and let out a muffled scream of frustration. I regretted ever leaving the comfort of Os Alta. It was stupid of me to think I was strong enough, that I could handle Ravka outside the palace walls. I was still so weak, in both body and spirit. But I had felt trapped. I felt trapped being a leader in the city and I felt trapped being a leader in the countryside.

When would my emotions start to make sense?

As the chilly breeze rustled the browning leaves of the forest, the horse began to startle. It stomped its front legs and shook its head. It was obviously irritated by something. The horse shifted onto its back legs and threw its front legs into the air, neighing loudly.

It could sense that something wasn't right.

The horse suddenly let out a choked, high-pitched sound as it swayed slightly then fell to the ground. The ground shook as the horse crumpled and fell still. I quickly moved to my knees and crawled the horse's side. I could barely feel a pulse as I clutched its chest.

I only knew of one thing that could stop the heart of a living creature. I looked frantically around me but the forest was too dark to see very far. I reached into my boot and clutched my dagger with one hand. With the other, I summoned enough light to illuminate my surroundings.

My breath caught in my throat as I saw them. Three Grisha stood before me, all wearing the different colors of the orders. The Corporalki, wearing deep red and grey, stood closer to me than the others. His hand was raised and looked almost like a claw.

Before I could attack, he squeezed his hand shut and everything went black.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Here's another quick update! I know some of you wanted the Darkling in this chapter, but don't fret. His time will come _very_ soon. Let me know what you guys think of the story so far. Oh, and thanks so much to everyone who has left reviews. You guys are awesome!


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